What a strange trip it’s been!
I am literally all over the map with the upcoming New Moon in Cancer and the emotions that are occurring with every thought and process in my alone time. I am re-entering into a phase of new growth, new beginnings, and still a sense of uncertainty of what I left behind a month ago. The apparent feeling behind my actions are playing out as I am making my way back to my current home, yet I’m experiencing a sense what home really means. I am at odds with my head and heart, and continuing to put one foot in front of the other to keep it all sane and real. I get shivers up my spine when I think of the memories of faces and places I have seen and encountered in the last 30 days or so being away. I notice more chill bumps on my arms and more tears welling up in my eyes when I remember moments of joy, sadness, insane laughter, generosity, compassion, and the other thousand emotions that crossed my path along stretches of lonely roads.
My own emotional self has seen the mirrors and shadows and dredging up of stuff for the last year, both on my own and within partnership. I have learned the lessons of who I am and all of the secret little spaces that were ready to bust open. As I drive back to familiarity, it strangely feels unfamiliar. I am different now, and the only person to thank is the man who I had the honor and privilege of sharing space with, and who even pushed every single button of mine in a profound way. Our dynamic has taught me that I am strong and capable. I have a new-found ability to set boundaries, claim my power, and be completely okay with where uncertainty takes me.
Maybe it is because I have moved my body and self away from the ocean, that beautiful enormous body of water that sustains my every action and feeling. Maybe I have re-positioned myself to be an entirely fresh person in a partnership, one that I had worked hard for and set the intention that in order to be healthy and authentic meant to step away for a little while and regroup. Maybe the answers have been staring me in the face all along, and to admit and honor it is much more difficult than I could have imagined. I don’t know. Grasping it all is showing me surrender at the highest levels.
That time is here now.
I am raw and ready. Something about the moon being in the sign of Cancer brings all the feelings home. But, only I can see it within. Only I can experience it in my showing up. Only I can own the parts of me that were hidden and waiting. Only I can merge with the world and not be so alone. I know I need people. The solitude of a writer on the road has its virtues, yet the glorious part of being so utterly emotional is when I stop to converse and communicate and connect with others and their hearts. I hold nothing back. My own self has dust on my body, sore hips from sitting too long, tired eyes, and a constant grin of feeling everything up one-side and down the other. I am surprising myself with the level of emotions I am feeling. I just can’t hide them anymore.
“To thine own self be true”, a virtuous string of simple words that will never be lost in the current climate of catchy phrases and articulate sentences praising authenticity and being real. Inspiration comes and goes, as does the creativity that accompanies it, but the emotional self is a lasting vulnerable Gumby-like icon who needs to be seen and heard. From the darkest recesses of my mind to the highest peaks of happiness, I breathe and I reflect.
My lungs feel more expansive than ever, yet returning home has left me with a sense of not knowing how it will all play out, but I can assure you this: I will cry. I will laugh. I will get goose bumps. I will hug. I will dance. I will furrow my brow with curiosity. I will reminisce. I will rejoice. I will set more intentions. I will pray. I will continue to wish on stars. I will appreciate all that I am and all that I have accomplished. I will feel the moon and her power and be forever grateful that I am guided by a new Archangel I recently discovered, one who miraculously showed up in a book that was a synchronistic happening in a soulful store by the ocean.
And when it’s all said and done, the vast array of emotions inside me will now display their rainbow to the world on the outside. After all, it is the only way to travel.
Gerry Ellen is an author, freelance writer, and wellness consultant. Her first novel Ripple Effects was published in March 2012. She is a regular columnist for elephant journal and contributor to Be You Media Group. Besides her passions for writing, animals, the environment, healthy living, incredible friendships, heart-centered connections, and sharing her experiences of life and love, she never goes a day without her simple daily rituals. She believes that balance is key to all things meaningful. Her new book, A Big Piece of Driftwood, is available on Amazon.com