When we make the conscious decision to move forward and beyond certain aspects of our lives, an unexpected thing starts to happen—our lives try to hold us back.
Whatever it is we’re ready to let go of, change, progress beyond, comes up with a vengeance right as we’re making our biggest power moves.
Nightmares. Terrifying echoes of the past. Bad decisions. Wrong turns.
All of these shadows will rise with a momentum and persistence and intensity that will wake you screaming from a dead sleep, unable to fall back asleep as the reruns of all you’ve made a commitment to releasing and forgiving comes raging up for one final showdown.
One final attempt. One final temptation to draw you back to the depths from whence you’ve risen.
Because shadows don’t like it when we leave them behind. They get lonely too, and they crave our misery just as much as we crave their oppressive comfort.
Which makes absolute sense—with great moves and great change comes great loss, even if we don’t see it that way at first. Years begin to peel away in layers, and at warp speed.
You thought the nightmares were horrific before?
Nothing will compare to what your ego will do when you threaten separation. A temper tantrum that will shake whatever you have left of a foundation to make sure you’ve got a completely clean slate to work with.
Once you not only accept, but arrive at this clean slate, you’ll begin seeing things differently, existing differently.
Easing into things rather than allowing anxiety to take over.
Choosing to see the positive rather than default to the negative.
Choosing to allow the nightmares to come and go.
Choosing to acknowledge what comes up and not dwelling on it.
Choosing to see the gifts and miracles happening in your life without judging them or feeling like they’re going to somehow slip away.
Choosing to feel like it’s okay for things to not only work out, but exceed your expectations.
Choosing love. Learning to love—like, accept it and feel worthy of it. Allow it. Not force it. Not force anything. Not judge anything. Just allow, nurture, support and allow again.
And again and again and again.
Revelations will come at warp speed simply because you’ll stop fighting things.
You’ll stop fighting happiness. You’ll loosen your grip—minute by minute—of those old behaviors that have kept you stuck.
It’s not a perfect process—or maybe it is.
Maybe all processes are perfect. Maybe all time really is relative. Maybe it’s all spinning in perfect synchronicity, even in regards to working out the weight we carry. Maybe we can’t move beyond things prematurely. Maybe the time we deem as wasted is the most necessary space of experience of all.
Because it frees us, if we just keep walking.
It baptizes us, if we keep the bigger picture in sight.
It lays out a completely different trajectory for us, if we only allow ourselves to look back on our darkened paths with respect for ourselves and the events that forged us into who we’ve become which is more like mortal superheroes than we may ever allow ourselves to believe.
This path comes with something else—the knowledge that no matter what happens, no matter what we attract or what happens in the world around us—we’re uniquely qualified and solidified to handle it.
Every challenge in life is preparing us for something more difficult down the line.
Super defeating, right?
But when we can look back in retrospect and gather muscle and confidence and a certain sense of fearlessness, (as in we’re no longer going to let fear of the unknown dominate us; no longer willing to give our power away to other people or external situations and no longer willing to succumb to the outmoded energies and patterns that continued to draw these occurrences and people into our lives), that is when we’ve really begun to understand the purpose of these lessons and live our lives in accordance with our story.
So many people, including myself, talk about starting “new chapters” and “new books,” but I’m coming to see that concept makes no sense.
It’s all a continuing line, even if it’s a broken line. The cohesion and healing come from starting a new chapter within the same book, because that means that we’ve owned where we come from, the roads that led us into hell and more importantly, the lights that led us out.
Jillian Kristina (Jillian Locke) is writing the best chapter of her life, right now. She’s fought through countless dark alleys and plummeted down endless manholes to get to this page, and it’s all been worth it. Having just taken the leap of her life from grid-based city living to off-grid nature immersion, the words of this new chapter are spelling out a radical journey of extreme release, self-discovery and, for the first time in her life, a sense of place and connection that can only be likened to “home.”