Next Year, I’m Gonna be with My Man. {Poem} ~ Gerta Kapllani

Posted on Posted in Be Love., Be You.

epiphany

Though you will not wait for me, I will wait for you.

Next year, I’m gonna be with my man.

Don’t ask me why, don’t ask me where.

I don’t know who is he but I know for sure who he is not.

All I know is that I don’t know.

But my broken soul feels so.

It feels that next year, it is going to meet its soulmate.

I’ve never been good at choosing so this time I will let my soul decide.

No more wrong time, right people…wrong people, right time.

Next year, I’m gonna be with my man.

We will find us.

Time will erase false starts and bad decisions. Music will answer all questions never spoken.

So, next year I will be with my man.

Until then, I’ll find comfort in the arms of poetry, art, writing, creating as I speak.

I’ll dive into work every single day.

I’ll get lost in books, meaningless conversations, friends with benefits and careless love.

I’ll find comfort in the hugs of strangers and I will look for you in their eyes.

Next year, I am going to be with you. And we will be fine.

We will watch movies while our story gets stronger and we will not make our story a tragic one.

No. We’ll be adventurous. We’ll travel the world. We’ll eat salad, fruits and cereals until you teach me how to cook.

I won’t be afraid of you. Instead, I will feel safe. I won’t ask you to teach me how to live without you while you’re gone because you won’t be gone. You will never go away. You will never leave me.

We will teach each other how to stay.

I will keep the dog you give me for my birthday because it won’t remind me of you. Because you will never turn into a memory. You will be real.

You will be mine and mine alone.

Until then, I will still be the weird one. I will spend my days in the library. I will spend hours and hours listening to music. It will be my hero, my savior.

I’ll drive all over to catch moments and collect memories. I will keep doing things just because I have to, just because there is no other way.

I will laugh around the table when I want to cry instead. I can do it. I will break down in the middle of the night or the day. It is usual. It doesn’t matter. I won’t take pills. This kind of pain needs no pills.

I’ll carry myself home alone at night. I’ll do what I know best.

I’ll challenge and surprise myself. I will hold speeches in front of big audiences even though the night before was a nightmare of breakdowns. Nobody will care how I feel. Though my life is f**ked, I will pretend it’s not.

Every time that I feel alone, I’ll call her though I know she will say,

“It will be alright. Wait until you find a friend.”

Waiting.

I have done that s**t all my life. And all I did was lose. And all I got was lost. When I feel bad I’ll call her though and all she’ll do is ask if I’ve taken my vitamins.

When I’m tired of being tired, I’ll call her and just tell her that I want to sleep. She’ll probably tell me to get a red bull. And I’ll say I just got my third.  She’ll answer,

“Get another one.”

It’s just the way it goes.

But next year, I’ll be with my man.

Up until then, I’ll just keep living my roller coaster life and keep wearing that smile that is mine.

I will find myself. I will forgive myself.

I’ll learn how to love you, my dear self, because it’s not you, it’s me. It has always been me!

 

Photo: Jeffrey/Flickr

gerta kapGerta Kapllani is a girl from Albania. Her biggest passions are communication and writing. She is in love with details and feels they are what make the biggest difference in life. She also loves music, traveling, fashion and being classy, and is definitely an animal lover. To Gerta, the safest place in this world are in her mother’s arms, where she finds peace and serenity. She considers herself a harmony of contrasts and believes that a beautiful life is composed of big dreams, good music and expensive tastes. Connect with Gerta through Facebook or Instagram.

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