I Am Not a Survivor: Surviving Was Not Enough to Sustain My Soul. ~ Laura Phoenix Power

Posted on Posted in Be Brave, Be Enlightened., Be Love., Be You.

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I have survived and lived beyond many traumas.

I’m not a survivor and I’m not defined by my survival. What I am is a woman who lives in the moment, a woman who has never stopped moving forward.

I believe more in the beauty of humanity than the horrors of those who operate with malice. Each wound I’ve sustained has presented opportunities for empowerment. Some of my life’s darkest days happened before I was eight years old and cast me into the role of victim for many years to come.

Subsequently, for many years, I lived in fear, shame and angst and made life decisions and chose lovers from a deeply wounded space within my heart. Each relationship eventually ended as I grew beyond the scope of its maturity.

The healthy facets of my soul would enter each relationship with an open heart. And like any abused kid, I was hopeful that this time, this time it would be different. But it was the less healthy, damaged facets of my soul that vetted my suitors.

(Snapshot of my dating life— an open heart with murky, cracked, distorted filters.)

If I created a flow chart of my lovers past, it would reveal the evolutionary path of my trauma and the subsequent evisceration of my childhood and its innocence. From my teenage years throughout my adulthood, I recreated every abusive event with my relationships, sometimes more than once if I was not ready to integrate the lesson.

I have been beaten by fists, dragged by my hair and kicked. I have been raped, drugged and given away. I have been abused by words and by silence. And each time, I have wanted to die. The unbearable shame and pain of it all, crushing my everything.

But guess what.

I did not die.

Instead, I was reborn with a bigger heart and a sharper filter.

For many years, I hid these truths from myself and the world. I needed to heal on my terms, and in my own time, I’ve been able to step into my power and fully embrace myself.

Now, I am exactly the person I was born to be and I’m wholeheartedly manifesting my life’s purpose. I’m grateful for my soul’s unrelenting movement towards health and growth.

Now, I no longer use precious energy wishing that my life had been less lonely, terrifying or unpredictable. I’ve long outgrown self comparison to other women as the default gauge of my own worth. Seeing other families, who show up and share their lives in multigenerational bonds no longer triggers a painful longing within my soul.

Because now, I am whole. All that was taken before fully realized at such a young age has been restored to its rightful owner.

Now, I want to voice it all, reveal the light I created from the shadows left behind by the beastly reprehensible actions of others.

I will send these truths, through my words, out to all the dark shadows where other souls are hiding. Hopefully, they hear, see and feel that they too can live beyond the survival, torment and damage. And in this they are encouraged to share the light within themselves.

Now, I know my worth and my purpose.

This is the start, my first public voice to my private story.

It has nothing to do with anyone else, who did, didn’t, should’ve etc…

This is my story. I am sharing to encourage anyone in need to trust their voice and to honor their own story. I want to help others extract the thorns of shame and express their truths so that they, too, may step fully into themselves and know their undeniable, irreplaceable, gorgeous worth.

All the glamorized predatory actions splashed on the news lately partially froze me into a triggered state. I was struggling to balance this inner world with the rest of my life. But today, the image of a boastful predator forcing his mouth onto a small child has caused a powerful shift.

I quickly became ready to defrost and disclose.

This is my battle cry against those who would have us hide in the dark, holding their nastiness.

The state of our world and its selective deafening to the voices of victims has hot-wired my voice in a way I did not anticipate. Maybe it’s this fierce hunter’s moon, maybe it’s my ongoing state of healing and rebirth, maybe I’ve just had enough.

But here I am, this is me.

This week I am celebrating two birthdays. There’s the 51st anniversary of my arrival to this world. The other is my 1st anniversary of the day I became whole.

Last October, I physically returned to a place where I was abused and reclaimed all that was taken. All that was plundered for spoils were reclaimed and integrated by my soul.

This is a very happy week for me as I celebrate healing, rebirth and wholehearted living.

Giving voice to this event beyond the scope of close friends brings such peace to my heart. This hard earned peace fills me with a mighty purpose far beyond myself and my personal history.

I have love and power to share and that is exactly what I intend to do.

This is beyond survival—this is wholehearted, empowered, joyous living.

 

Image: Courtesy of Laura Phoenix Power

 

Laura Phoenix PowerA Bohemian spirited wordsmith, Laura Phoenix Power shares perspectives on love and empowerment from her kaleidoscopic heart. A wickedly absurd sense of humor enriches her world and sustains her authenticity. She is the author of An Expression Of Love a heartfelt story of parental uncoupling. She shares her world with two hilarious kids and one anxious German Shorthaired Pointer. Please visit her at: phoenixpowerwriter.com

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